Why rivalry between mother and daughter

The mother-daughter relationship is a complicated one. What makes a mother and daughter relationship so complicated?

We think of our moms as princesses and queens. We follow them around trying to walk like them and say the things they say. We want to wear our hair like them, and dress like them. But at some point, things shift. At some point our mothers become stressful to us. We no longer welcome their advice. Their wisdom turns becomes inapplicable. As daughters, to our mothers we become inaccessible. We shut down.

They want to be a part of our lives, but they lose their way in. The conflict between mother and daughter often starts with hormones during puberty, but that relationship tension never really ends. But why? Take a look at the reasons mothers and daughters often fight below to better understand what causes a rift in the relationship, and so you can recognize the signs and work to make your own relationship with your mother better than ever.

Moms have lived a life completely different than the one we daughters are living. You can survive on 40, dollars a year, but when you were married, you were millionaires. It is not the life to which we are accustomed. These words, written by Maya Angelou, capture the tricky nature of jealousy. How does it impact our ability to make them work in the long run?

As painful and drawn out as that solution might be, the option is there. But in other relationships, a solution may not be quite so obvious. I recently began to notice — through a series of late-night chats and WhatsApp texts with my female friends — that jealousy can crop up in the most unlikely of places, even in a partnership that feels impossible to break. Like that between mothers and daughters.

The mother-daughter bond is powerful and the women I spoke with talked about their mothers as the kindest people in the world. Psychologist Hayden Finch, PhD , says the bond between mother and daughter is one of the most important — when it wavers, it can cause real emotional distress.

When their mothers are unable to provide that support and approval, daughters can experience feelings of emptiness or anxiety. The optimist in me likes to think that this tension may merely be a result of a generational shift in social norms, with the proportion of working women with college degrees jumping from 11 percent in to almost 40 percent in Additionally, the type of vocations available to female workers has broadened with professional and managerial roles becoming more common.

When women's emotional needs are silent, mothers and daughters fight over whose needs get to be met. And when women's lives are restricted by sexist gender roles that limit their choices and freedom, mothers and daughters fight over their lack of freedom.

Finding the reasons for mother-daughter relationship conflict requires a much deeper exploration than women's personality traits, mental or emotional health issues, and hormonal problems. It requires an understanding that it is between mothers and daughters that we see the harm sexism and gender inequality inflicts on women. We see how sexism is internalized and passed on from mother to daughter, and how this disempowerment causes conflict.

We see that mother-daughter relationship conflict is a symptom of families and societies that do not care-for and support women to be fully voiced and free. And we see how powerful the mother-daughter relationship is to challenge and change sexist beliefs and harmful cultural practices.

News U. Politics Joe Biden Congress Extremism. Special Projects Highline. HuffPost Personal Video Horoscopes. You do feel a sense of loss, but I would find a mother being envious of her daughter very shallow.

I'm very close to my daughters, Megan, who will be 21 this month, and year-old Lorna. I wouldn't want them to be mini versions of me; in fact, I pity mothers who try to turn either their daughters into themselves or, worse, themselves into their daughters.

I don't socialise with my children, as I think children should live their own lives and have their own social circle.

There is nothing I envy about my daughters — I embrace their youth and am so proud of both of them. I love seeing how they are maturing and turning into beautiful young women. I'm very happy and confident in my own skin, and more content in my 40s than in any other decade of my life, so their youth would never bother me.

I don't want to be in my 20s again with all the drama that comes with it. My children are as close to me as they are to my husband Robbie. Megan has socialised with Robbie quite a few times and that doesn't bother me.

It's healthy for them to spend time with us both individually. Robbie is a good dad to the girls and any time he has with them he enjoys whole-heartedly — why would I be envious of that? I feel sorry for any woman who envies her daughter. We put so much into our children, why envy them their life? There was a stage when Megan was 'finding her footing' in her early teenage years when I believe she felt she was competing with me, and she had a hard time with that.

Our relationship was a bit cool for a short period of time. This was just an immaturity thing with her. She is very similar to me in many ways, but as her confidence grew, and her personality matured, that sense of competition evaporated. I would never want to be a woman who thinks she is her daughter's 'girlfriend'.

I have no aspirations to be a 'hip' mum, I just want to be what I am — their mum. I look at my girls and think how lucky they are to be in a position where they can shape their whole lives, they are so young and their whole life is ahead of them.

The opportunities they will have are endless compared with when I was growing up. I really feel sorry for a mother who is envious of her daughter's youth, vitality, and success. Thankfully, I am not one of them. Being a single parent has its challenges and it can also create concerns where Amy feels as if I am all she has. This year, Amy discovered that her father died by suicide, and that has presented huge emotional and traumatic challenges for her.

Being a former model, make-up and fashion play a role when we spend time together. She takes after me very much in that department. In the past year, Amy has become more conscious of her hair and skin, which has made me notice the increasing amount of lines on my own face.

I am envious that, because of her youth, she has no stretch marks. As Amy is growing up, I have to admit that I have become more conscious of trying to stay fashionable within limits in relation to my own age.

I hate seeing women let themselves go because their children are getting older, or looking like mutton dressed as lamb because they want so badly to be as young and glamorous as their daughters. Amy is at that awkward stage of adolescence — she is tall, blooming, developing and becoming self-conscious, but she is still a child. My bathroom cabinet reveals the truth of my ageing and Amy's youth, with a bottle of Simple moisturiser sitting beside a tub of overs anti-ageing cream. I wish I could say the Simple was mine, but life is what it is.

As a self-employed single mother, I am the breadwinner, cook, cleaner, nurturer, therapist, chauffeur, so I have a lot of responsibilities. Your time is not your own; it is fully focused on my daughter, and her growing up without a dad is hard. You do your best and are fully responsible for every single need in your child's life. Who wouldn't at times enjoy more freedom like my daughter has? I can't remember the last time I took a trip to a beauty salon — there is always something to be paid for.

I didn't have the same career opportunities open to me as Amy will have. I love the fact that now there are so many opportunities for young girls to educate themselves. I'm a 'go girl' type of mum, so if Amy wants to try something that she thinks she might like, I encourage her and tell her to go for it. It depends on the mother if a daughter's youth, vitality and success can make her envious.